Fix It or Feel It: The Advice Trap in Parenting

Are you constantly trying to fix your child’s problems…only to feel like you’re missing something deeper?

In this powerful and heartfelt episode of It’s a Single Mom Thing, Sherry dives into one of the most common parenting struggles—knowing when to offer advice and when your child simply needs to be heard.

“Fix It or Feel It: The Advice Trap in Parenting” unpacks the emotional disconnect that can happen when we jump into problem-solving mode too quickly—and how that can impact trust, communication, and connection with your kids.

Through real-life parenting scenarios—from little kids feeling left out…to teens shutting down…to life-altering moments like bullying, fear, and unexpected situations—Sherry shares how to recognize what’s really going on beneath the surface and respond in a way that builds lasting connection.

This episode is especially powerful for single moms navigating both nurturing and leadership roles, offering insight into how to balance emotional support with guidance—without feeling like you have to be everything all at once.

You’ll learn:

•  The difference between fixing vs. feeling in parenting moments 
•  How to help your child process emotions beneath the surface 
•  Why kids shut down when they feel dismissed or corrected too quickly 
•  How to respond when your child shares something serious or overwhelming 
•  How your response today can shape your child’s future—and even future generations 

This episode also speaks to the heart of healing generational patterns, helping moms recognize the “hand-me-down” emotional habits they may be carrying—and how to break them with intention and grace.

If you’ve ever wondered…
 “Why didn’t that conversation go the way I thought it would?”
 “Why does my child shut down when I’m trying to help?”
 “Am I doing this right?”

This episode will meet you right where you are.

Because sometimes…your child doesn’t need you to fix it.

They just need you to feel it with them.

📞 Need prayer or support? Our 24-hour prayer line is always open: 855-822-PRAY

Transcript

When Advice Misses The Moment

SPEAKER_00 0:00

It's a single mom thing. The show for single moms? By single moms. This is Sherry, your host, and I am happy you are here today. It's a single mom thing, and not the simple thing that stops you.

Fix It Or Feel It Question

Lunch Table Tears And Big Feelings

Hand Me Down Emotional Habits

Bullying Memory And Being Unheard

Teen Attitude And Respect

Hard Confessions And Holding Space

Breaking Patterns And Healing Generations

Pause, Reflect, And Get Prayer

SPEAKER_01 0:15

Just ignore them. You'll be fine. Next time, just go sit with someone else. You'll get over it. But mom, that's not the point. And just like that, you realize you answered the problem, but you missed the moment. They're quiet now. You're still talking, trying to explain, fix, wrap it up with a lesson, but something already shifted, and you can feel it. Welcome to It's a Single Mom Thing. I am your girl, Sherry. And if you've ever walked away from a conversation with your child thinking, well, why did that not land the way I thought it would? Why why do they shut down? Why do I feel like I just missed something? Then this one is for you. Today we are talking about fix it or feel it, the advice, listen, the advice trap in parenting. I'm here. Okay, so because listen, here's the truth, right? Sometimes our kids, well, they're not coming to us for answers. They're actually coming to us to be understood. However, they don't say it that way, right? So as single moms, listen, we don't always, I'm preaching to the choir here, we don't always have the luxury of slowing down, right? Because we're moving, we're managing, we're holding it all together. We are spinning all the plates, trying not to drop a single one. And somewhere along the way, though, we start believing that our job is to fix it fast instead of feel it first. Did you hear that? So listen, I want to take that one step deeper because it's not just about advice versus connection, it's sometimes about just not responding as a mom. You see, we're responding out of the pressure to be both. And what do I mean by that? Well, I mean to be the nurturer and the one who prepares them for the world, to comfort and to correct, to listen and to lead. And if we're being totally real here, that tension shows up the most in the moments we didn't see coming. So today we're stepping right into those moments, different ages, different dynamics, even co-parenting situations. And yes, girl, we are going to ask one simple question each in each one. Listen, I'm sorry, I'm tongue-tied today. Okay, so the question that we are gonna ask is Are you ready? Is this a moment to fix it or feel it? It's almost like a game show here, right? But you're not gonna win a car. You're gonna win so much more. So let's start here. Okay, so your child comes to you. I'm gonna do a little scenario with you. Your child comes to you upset because someone didn't sit with them at lunch. We've all had this one, right? So to you, well, it sounds small, but to them, it's big feelings, right? It feels big. And girl, what you say next matters more than you think. So your child comes to you upset because someone didn't sit with them at lunch. And if you're honest, your first thought is, well, ugh, this is fixable, it's simple, it's small, it is solvable. So you may respond with a well, next time just go sit with someone else, dear. Or maybe they didn't even mean anything by it, or you'll be fine tomorrow. And on the surface, none of that's wrong, but underneath, something's missing. Because what they're really saying is, I felt left out, I felt unwanted, I didn't know where I belonged in that moment. And can I pause right here for a second? Because this part, this part is something most of us were never taught. Okay, because we were taught how to behave, we were taught how to respond, we were taught how to move on. Back in my day, I was taught to be seen but not heard. But listen, we weren't always taught how to look beneath what we feel to understand what's actually going on inside of us. So, what has happened with that? So then what happens is we stay on the surface, and then how that shows up is we say things like, I'm fine, or it's just not a big deal, or we jump straight into fixing it because that's what was modeled for us. And ladies, well, this might not just be something your child is learning for the first time. This actually might be something you're learning too. Because listen, a lot of us are parenting with like well uh listen, with oh my gravy. Okay, let's try that again because a lot of us are parenting. Okay, here I go. I'm gonna get it right with what I like to call hand-me-down emotional habits. Ooh, I got it. Okay. Hand me down emotional habits. So, what is that? What do I mean? I those are things that our parents did or didn't do, that we didn't even realize we carried into our own motherhood. So when your child brings you a moment like this, it's not just an opportunity to help them understand their feelings. Really, it's an invitation for you to slow down and understand yours too. That is a bogo right there. So, to ask, maybe like, what's really going on underneath this? Or questions like, well, why did that hit me the way it did? Or even what am I feeling beneath what I'm saying? Because, ladies, when you learn to look beneath the surface, you actually what you're doing is you teach your child how to do the same. And that, listen, that is a skill most adults are still trying to learn. And so this is where the shift actually happens because this turns into it's not a fix-it moment, it's a feel-it moment. Well, well, what does that look like, Sherry? Well, okay, let me go. Thank let me let me give you a few scenarios. It may sound like, oh wow, that probably hurt your feelings. Well, honey, were you excited to sit with them? Or you could even say, like, I can see why that made you feel left out. Now notice, you didn't fix it, you didn't solve it, you didn't even give advice. But what you did do was meet them in it. And here's what's powerful about that, okay? So when a child feels understood, they actually become open to guidance. I mean, I don't know how many of you have ever wanted to learn how to open that door. Well, I just gave you the keys, okay? So when they feel dismissed, however, what do they do? They shut down before you ever get there. I mean, how many if you have ever been married, you were single women, if you were married and you interacted with a guy, you understand what this means. So I know you've been there too. So after you felt it though, with them, let's talk about that. Then you can gently move into guidance. And it that would sound like do you want to think of someone else that you could sit with tomorrow? Or is there someone you feel safe going up to? Do you hear the difference? One leads with fixing, the other builds connection first, then leads. And ladies, this one really matters because at this age, they're not just learning how to handle situations, they're learning how to handle what I like to call big feelings. And so if we rush past what they feel, we may accidentally, though, okay, we may actually accidentally teach them that their feelings aren't worth sitting in, that their problems aren't big enough to share, or even worse, they stop coming to us at all. And now I know because you're listening to this podcast, I know that's not your heart. Because you're not trying to dismiss them, you're trying to prepare them, you're trying to help them, you're trying to raise them strong. But strength isn't built by skipping emotion, it's built by learning how to move through it. And let me take this one step further because sometimes this isn't just about a lunch table, sometimes it's deeper. For me, I remember a time when I was being bullied, and I worked up the courage to go talk to my mom about it. She was in the kitchen doing dishes, and I think I was a teenager. I think I was probably 12. And I remember it, I could see it plain as day. I stood there trying to explain to her what was happening. And she listened, but if I'm honest, she didn't really hear me. She just kept washing the dishes. She tried to reassure me as she was looking at the dishes and not at me. And she told me I'd be okay. But what was I feeling? Was so much. Let me tell you, what I was feeling was so much bigger than that. I was scared. I didn't want to go to school. I had nightmares about it. My mind started even going to places it shouldn't have been going to at 12 years of age. And I didn't know how to say any of that to my mom because I didn't even fully understand it myself. And then eventually, check it, it escalated. I ended up getting punched in the face the next day. And now, when I look back on that, I don't think my mom, it's not that she didn't care. She did the best she knew how to do, maybe because of what her hammy-down parenting was given to her. But listen, she was responding to what she heard only on the surface, not what was happening underneath. So I wonder what would have been different if someone had slowed down long enough to ask, are you okay, Sherry? Are you scared, Sherry? Is there more going on than what you're telling me? Because sometimes, ladies, what looks small on the outside is very heavy on the inside. And our kids, listen, they don't always have the words to tell us that. So listen, then we have to learn how to listen for what's not being said, for reading in between the lines. And as our kids get older, this doesn't go away, it just gets quieter. They don't always come to us with tears or big feelings. Sometimes they come to you or at you with attitude. Mm-hmm. You know that, right? Sometimes they come to you with frustration. Sometimes they come to you with just enough information to test you if you're a safe place to land. And if we're not careful, ladies, we can miss it all over again. So it happens like this: your teenager walks in, drops their bag at the book bag at the front door, and says something like, I'm so done with people. And immediately, here we go. Mom puts on her cape and she's gonna go into fix it mode. And you say things like, What happened now? Well, what did you do? You need to handle that differently. You can't let people get to you like that, and just like that, walls go up because now they're not just feeling misunderstood, they're feeling judged. But what if, and I challenge you, what if we slowed that moment down for a moment? What if instead of correcting, what if we got curious? Curious what that sounds like? Okay, well, here we go. Great, I'm glad you are. That sounds like a lot like, well, what happened? Do you feel like they misunderstood you, baby? Or maybe not say the baby part, that's what I'd say. Or um, do you want me to just listen or help you figure it out? Do you feel the shift? Because at this age, they're not just asking, do you see me? Uh, what they're asking is, do you respect me? Can I trust you with my thoughts without being corrected immediately? And this, oh girl, this is where it gets hard as a mom, especially a solo mom. Because you're not wrong. You do see things they don't see yet. You do want to guide them, you do want to protect them from making mistakes, especially ones maybe that you have made in your own life. But check it. If correction comes before connection, well, they may stop inviting you into their world all together. And mama, that's a risk. Because now instead of coming to you, they process it alone or with friends or with people who don't have the wisdom you carry. So again, we come back to the question, okay? And this is my little game show moment. Is that a moment to fix it or feel it? And the answer is sometimes with older kids, the answer is both. But the order, though, listen, the order matters. Feel it first so they stay open, then guide them so they grow. And let me say this too, because this is where that pressure we talked about earlier starts to show up again. Sometimes we jump into advice not just because we want to help, but because we feel responsible for getting it right. Especially when you're doing this on your own. Especially, ladies, when you feel like you have to be both voices in the room, mom and dad. So, you how does that look? Sometimes you overexplain, you over-correct, you overcarry. I'm sure some of you listening are like, ah, I do that all the time. That's okay. That's okay. That's why you're here. But listen, we're gonna slow this down. What they may need, though, mama, in that moment is not just another voice, but what they need is a safe place. A place where they can land before they learn how to stand. And ladies, so when you give them that, it's you know, you're not doing what you think you are doing. I mean, you may be thinking you're weakening them, but honestly, what you're doing is you are anchoring them. When it's not small anymore, holding the moment instead of reacting. So before I go into this next part, I just want to say this gently. This one might hit a little deeper below the belt. Even for me, walking back through this, I found myself tearing up. So if you're listening and something stirs inside of you, just know that you're not alone. Okay, and so here we go. Okay, so then there are the moments that I said aren't small. They're the ones that stop you in your tracks, the ones that take your breath away, the ones you didn't see coming, and honestly, the ones you hope never would come. But life happens. Your child comes to you and says something like, I think I messed up, mom. I I need to tell you something. Uh but but maybe they don't even have the words. But you can feel it. This is different. Maybe it's about sex, maybe it's about drugs, maybe it's about porn, maybe it's thoughts that they're having that scare you, like not wanting to be here anymore. And in that moment, everything in you reacts. Mama Bear goes into full throttle mode, her claws come out, and your mind starts racing, your heart drops, and your fear kicks in. And if we're not careful, we don't just respond. What do we do? We react. We make it about us. What did I do wrong? How did this happen? What are people gonna think? You may even have some other thoughts. Or we go straight into correction. What this is serious. Oh my gosh, you shouldn't have done that. How could you let this happen? And hear me when I say this. Those reactions, girl, they're human. But they can also shut the door on the very moment your child needed you the most. And I remember when this happened in my own family. My sister got pregnant at 16 with the first boy she ever dated. She was terrified to tell my parents. And I had just come home from college, and honestly, I was getting ready to go right back because in my mind, this wasn't my situation to step into. But I could see it. My sister, she was scared, and I knew this moment mattered. So I was the one that told my parents. And my mom, she responded the way I expected. She made it about her, what she did wrong, what this meant, what people would think. My daughter having pre- you know, having sex before her time and now gonna have a kid. And again, my mom wasn't trying to hurt anyone, she was just reacting. Now, my dad, on the other hand, he responded much differently and differently than I think we all thought. I sent, so I remember the situation. I remember sending my mom and my sister out of the house, and I said, I'm gonna handle this with dad and I'm gonna tell him. And when I told him, he just paused and said, Well, I guess we're gonna have a crying voice around here soon. And that was it. There was no panic, no shame, no lecture, just presence. And I never, never forgot that because in a moment that could have been filled with some fear, he created space, and that's what I want you to hear, ladies, especially in the hard moments. Your child is not just coming to you with a situation, they're coming to you with their vulnerability, their uncertainty with their own fear. And the question isn't just well, what do I say? It's can I stay steady when everything in me wants to react? Because this is not a fix-it moment, and it's not just a feel it moment either. Ladies, this is a hold it moment. You hold the space, you hold the reaction, you hold your child in that moment long enough for them to feel safe, safe enough to keep talking, safe enough to tell you the truth, safe enough not to run from you when they need you to the most, but to run towards you. Because listen, I'm gonna be honest with you, if the first, if the listen to me, if the first response they get is fear, shame, or panic, they may never, ever, ever, ever bring you the next hard thing. And I know as a mama, we want them to bring us the hard things. So even in the moments that shake you, girl, I challenge you to pause, take a breath, and remember this moment matters more than your immediate response. You can guide later, you can correct later, you can walk through the consequences. Later, but you will never get that moment back again later. But right now, they need you, all of you, not as a fixer and certainly not as a judge, but simply as a safe place. And that, my friend, might be the most powerful thing you ever give them, and that they never forget. And maybe, just maybe, that's exactly. Well, I'm not even gonna say maybe. I know that's what God does for us. That father does that for us. He doesn't panic when we bring him our mess. He doesn't shame us when we come to him with what we've done or what's been done to us. No, he just meets us right there in it. He holds the space, he stays steady, he listens to what's said and what's not. And as moms, we get the opportunity to reflect that kind of love to our kids, not perfectly, but intentionally. So when the moment comes and listen, it will take a breath, slow your roll. And remember, you don't have to have the perfect response, you just have to be in the present. It's like a little doorstop. And can I just say this? Because this matters just as much as anything we've talked about today. This doesn't just change your child's future, it can change yours too. Oh my goodness, who doesn't want that? Because listen, I as I'm learning here, as you're learning here to slow your role, to listen, to look beneath the surface. I don't know about you. You're not just teaching your child something new. You are actually experiencing something new that you have never been given. And listen, that's not a loss to me. That is a next opportunity. An opportunity to break patterns, to rewrite responses, to stop passing down what didn't serve you, even if it was all you knew. Because listen, a lot of us didn't grow up in homes where feelings were explored. We grew up in homes where things were handled, managed, moved past, even swept under the rug. So when you choose to do this differently, you are not just parenting. Girl, you are healing. And that healing, it doesn't just stay with you. It flows into your children. It shapes how they show up in relationships, it changes how they communicate. It impacts how they will parent one day. You're not just raising kids. Think of it this way: you are actually shaping generations. And mama, that is some powerful stuff. You don't have to get it perfect, you just have to be willing to grow. Because what you're learning now, even if it came later than you wish it had, it's still right on time. So before we close, I just want to leave you with something simple. The next time your child comes to you, pause, pivot just for a second, and ask yourself, am I about to fix this or feel this with them first? And then maybe after that moment passes, take a minute, take a minute, take a minute for you. Ask yourself, well, what was really going on underneath that for them and even for me? Because the more, I challenge you, because the more aware you become, then the more intentional you will be too. And remember, you don't have to get it right every time. You just have to stay willing. So if today stirred something in you, if you're carrying something heavy or you just need someone to stand in the gap with you, you don't have to do that alone. We have a 24-hour prayer line, and there is someone there who will pray with you right where you are. You can call us at 855-822Pray. This has been It's a Single Mom Thing, and today's episode Fix It or Feel It, the Advice Trap in Parenting. Have a wonderful week, and remember it's a single mom thing, and not a single thing that stops you.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

Thanks for listening to It's a Single Mom Thing. I hope you enjoyed our time together. If you have more questions on how to have a relationship with Jesus or need prayer, visit us at www.shepherdsvillage.com backslash prayer. For more information and resources, check out our show notes.