It's A Single Mom Thing
Welcome to “It's A Single Mom Thing”, the show for single moms by single moms.
Being a solo momma and present parent is hard work and it’s easy to lose your focus when you forget your faith. The good news is, that you are not alone, you were singled out in this season, and together we can work on what’s not working for you finding Christ in the crisis! Whether you are listening early in the morning or late at night, we are here for you!
Be encouraged. Get inspired. You can do this, momma.
Stay tuned as each Monday we will feature fresh and fun content and conversations as we join you on this journey from solo momma to solo momma. We promise not to take too much of your time and thank you for spending it with us. It may be a single mom thing, but it doesn’t have to be the single thing that stops you!
It's A Single Mom Thing
Single Mom Life Hacks: How To Succeed, Not Secede To This Season.
Discover the surprising strength YOU have to set you and your family up for success by creating a new succession plan.
Oh yes!
Today, we will turn the page on the definition of conventional success while unveiling some self-limiting beliefs having you secede from your success possibility. In this episode, we talk through some of the tales of resilience that have paved the way using bricks of past failures.
Join me as we discover and uncover 3-Life Hacks you can use today to learn how to succeed, not secede in this single-parent season.
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It's a Single Mom Thing, Not the Single Thing That Stops You!
Welcome to it's a Single Mom Thing, the show for single moms by single moms. This is Sherri, your host, and I am happy you are here today. Remember it's a single mom thing and not the single thing that stops you. Welcome back my solo parent peeps to another episode of it's a Single Mom Thing and for showing up for your single success today. So I hope, after our talk last week, you have gained some ground with your kids and possibly even yourself.
Speaker 1:Now listen, even the smallest amount of change can produce big, life-changing results. The key, which I hope you're learning and willing to continue to learn, because it is a lifelong process is to stick with it, especially when it comes to your kids. As a parent, you should be well aware that your kids love routine. In fact, most kids thrive when there is some sort of structure. Now, structure and routine. This gives your kids security and it helps them manage their expectations, even in a house that is divided between two homes and under one roof if their parents are still married. So I'm not going to let you play the single mom card here. As we discussed last week, success as a single parent is possible, but it does require a lot on your part. Now listen, I'm not too proud to give my worn out shoes to you to wear. I wore those bad boys out because I chose success and succession, capturing all the thoughts and actions that wanted me to succeed, not succeeding. So stay tuned, we will get to that in a few minutes, but for now let's pound out a few more thoughts together.
Speaker 1:So the other thing structure also gives your kids is confidence and a peaceful, settled experience and spirit. You don't have to say a word, discipline them or course correct. In most cases there may be a minor tweak here or there, but the structure you focus on is to create the experience you want to experience as a parent, as a family, and you want them to experience. Did you catch that? By the way, let's add love to experience, simply with setting some structure in place. Just like, let's say, taking out your Lincoln log you played with as a kid, building a fortified fort. You did it with some intentional structure. This is what they want, meaning your kids, you see, conditionally. They learn and experience in school from pre-K to high school, graduation and well into college. Their whole day is broken down by periods and intended outcomes for each period of their day. Their teachers focus with intention. All of their time and words are on one subject, one period at a time. They spend a lot of time planning for it and have tools to manage their applied efforts. They even manage the different personalities, the home lives and emotional and mental intelligence of every cheek in the seat.
Speaker 1:So think about it First off. First of all, I think we need to give our teachers and child care workers a big hand clap here, just saying we want to thank you for all your efforts to set our kids up for success. As parents, we couldn't do what we do if it wasn't for you. So thank you, and, especially at the end of the school year, y'all need to let them know. So, parents, if they meaning your kids, if they come home to a house or a schedule that is contrary to what our incredible educators put in place, meaning your place is chaotic, it will produce anxiety and fear, and this in turn returns to you with some much unwanted behavior. Oh yes, you see, your kids lose their sense of direction and to them, it feels like their life is out of control, for example, if things like dinner and bedtime are always at a different time, their little algorithms are off and they are now beating their little drums and drumming up some bad behavior, and you know this to be true. In fact, is this your experience in your home right now? Have you been losing some control on your kids as a reactionary response to their behavior? So don't tell them this. They say they might not like you controlling them, but they really do. It's how you do that that makes the difference. And listen, as adults, we are no different.
Speaker 1:For example, if every day you showed up to work and you had no clue what you were working on, you weren't trained on how to do a specific assigned task, what goals upper management expected of you, you weren't told. You don't even know how much you're getting pay. You don't know what time to come in, when to take a lunch break and when you can even go home. It would create a lot of stress for you, your cohorts, your consumers and every family associated with that business, to include your family right Now. My guess is this business would be out of business very quickly. Now, no one likes to be micromanaged, but still they do like clear and communicated expectations, healthy boundaries, attainable goals, rewards, organizational flow, streamlined production, flexibility, a growth mindset. Who doesn't love some profitability, adaptability to change and possibility. Like your kids, you too were conditionally trained to thrive and survive in these predetermined conditions. You were schooled Okay.
Speaker 1:So what would your life look like if you observed it from an unbiased position? You just sat back for a second, as best as you can. Maybe, if you do this even later, when you have some alone time, I want you to do this. Is it chaotic all over the place? Is it more reactive than proactive? Is life happening to you or are you making life happen for you? Did I hit a button there, I think, and I was included in this, so I'm not judging.
Speaker 1:Listen, just speaking from some experience as solos, would you agree with me that we tend to be more reactive? And it sounds like this single situation happened to me, therefore, and then you fill in the blank blah, blah, blah. Therefore, is not for you, it is against you. Therefore, what I will never be able to go back to school. Therefore, I will never be able to move up in my career. Therefore, I will never be able to go back to school. Therefore, I will never be able to move up in my career. Therefore, I will never have the home I want to own. I will never get married again, I will never experience financial independence. What is the, therefore, you say, whether out loud or to yourself, if you listen closely, therefore, is there. I can assure you of that, and you say it like all the time, because in most individuals, the therefore reaction was also conditionally learned to be either for you or against you.
Speaker 1:Now the challenge, much like wanting to have success with your kids, is wanting to have success for you. Therefore, do you want it sometimes? Therefore, do you want it for a sum of time? Do you want it all the time? Or are you of the people group that is, it is never possible for me, that is for somebody else? Maybe? When you were a kid, you were never taught success was possible in every situation. On the contrary, your family's succession plan was to succeed. I didn't say succeed. I said succeed, meaning to withdraw from, break away from, reject, resign or renounce.
Speaker 1:Now, in some cases, you can have or acquire excess when you break away from something Now don't get me wrong there or someone that isn't good for you, much like I don't know seceding from a toxic or abusive relationship. It may even be a job that doesn't bring you joy or isn't structured for success. Many times, however, as solos I believe, because I was there we secede in our thought life, which leads to our emotions, which then leads to our words, which then leads to our world, which we touched on last week. Let me give you an example the. Therefore, so, for clarity purposes, as a solo, I want to state out loud right now it is perfectly normal to first react to this unfamiliar, uncomfortable season with excessive thoughts of. Therefore, solo, you stay stuck in the thought that, therefore, I will never. You will never have. Your emotions, your behavior and your words will all follow the. I will never. Where your attention goes, your energy will flow, they will secede, they will withdraw from the very thing you want, and you know what that is. That is success. That is really what we want, and one of the things we fear the most. Whether you're a single person or not, it is what we were created for.
Speaker 1:Though Now listen God. Contrary to some people's belief, god does want you to have success. See, he is the team that is victorious already and he wants you on his team. He wants none to perish. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise, as some count slownessness, but is patient towards you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. You can find that in his word in 2 Peter, 3, 9. So it is, let me tell you I hate to break it to you it is why he sent his son to die here on the cross for you. He didn't come so you can die. He came so you could live eternally, and not just eternally, but in an eternity with him, with no more tears, no more pain and no more disease. Now, on the contrary, the enemy, the adversary, believers call him the devil. He wants you to secede from God and die with him, meaning the devil in eternity, in hell, the places where there is nothing but gnashing of teeth. So I got a question for you how many of your thoughts are adversary Thoughts that seeded from success?
Speaker 1:And listen, before we get to how we hack some things out. I want to hack up some things, bringing clarity to when we are talking about success, what we are talking about Now. Listen, just as success looks differently to different people, the world's version of success is different from the success God wants you to have in the world, not of the world. Do you know what in the world? I am even talking about the worldviews or how the world defines a person. I am sure you have heard this all before, but let's hash this out for a second. Okay. So come on, shout some things out with me.
Speaker 1:What are some of the things that the world defines as success? Material things, right, the haves and the have-nots, like, for example, the size of your house, the size of your bank account, the size of your ride or die, even the size of your butt. Now come on, ladies, you know, it's true, we got women putting injections, whether by needle, or inserted enhancements in their lips, their faces, their boobs and now their butts. We have eyelash and hair extensions that really, in my opinion, they only extend your budget. So if you are extending yourself in any one of these areas to achieve worldly outward beauty success, do you have success in your budget or are you extending yourself for some extensions? Oh yes, I went there, and why do you repeatedly go there?
Speaker 1:My dramatic point here is how dramatically our culture and our world have shifted to how we define success and wants you to define yourself and listen as solos whose income, in most cases, has been cut in half. Without the help of the other half, you will never fully achieve that kind of success. In fact, once you obtain that kind of success, you're going to want more and more and more. You secede from the true success you want, and that might be peace, a peaceful house, peaceful parenting, peaceful co-parenting and inner peace. How about financial independent fitness? Fully funded emergency fund, three months of income and savings tithing to your church or favorite charity. Ability to pay for all your financial obligations you're a lender, not a borrower, and you're contributing to your church or favorite charity. Ability to pay for all your financial obligations you're a lender, not a borrower, and you're contributing to your retirement accounts.
Speaker 1:How about success? As joy as your job, a righteous relationship, healthy and healed body? Now again, success looks and feels different to different people, but it is the same by one common denominator it is an experience you want to have. You see, success is an experience, in my opinion, not an acquired material object, because material objects, they can go up in flames. So if the experience you want is to only impress others, you will never have it, as people will always let you down, right? Or since I'm keeping it raw and real here today, if the experience you want to have is, say, security with a man, how secure do you think he's going to feel when A those eyelashes fall off and he sees you without your makeup or extensions on, and B how much time and money you spend on that instead of, maybe, the needs of your family. I'm just keeping it 100 here because I am about your success, not you succeeding. So is now a good time to develop a new succession plan. Okay, I'm glad you are on board with that, and if you're not, just keep listening, I do hope you have a different future in mind for you and your family. So here are three life hacks that you can implement to have success now, not later, and creating a new succession plan.
Speaker 1:Hack number one fail forward. Every person who has ever experienced great success has failed, not just once, but several times. Take my man, benjamin Franklin. While the exact number of experiments is unclear, many historical articles claim that he tried anywhere listen y'all three to six thousand types of materials in the light bulb before he found the one that not only worked but created a solution to the problem. Failure next. Okay, you have kids and you were a kid.
Speaker 1:Our next failure is Walt Disney. Can you imagine your childhood without Disney? Well, it could have easily have been if Walt had listened to his former newspaper editor. The editor told Walt he lacked imagination and had no good ideas. Undeterred, old Walt went on to create the cultural icon that bears his name. Now, disney's take on failure is, and I quote I think it's important to have a good, hard failure when you're young because it makes you kind of aware of what can happen to you Because of it. I never had any fear in my whole life when we've been near collapse and all of that, I've never been afraid. If you feel like giving up, mama, remind yourself of Walt Disney and what he said. Okay, we are going to highlight one last failure and listen, I am going to hit the ball out of the park with this one.
Speaker 1:Okay, so our next failure and last on this merry-go-round is JK Rowling. Before there was a wizard, there was welfare. K Rowling Before there was a wizard, there was welfare. Rowling was broke, depressed, divorced, single mother who simultaneously wrote a novel while studying. It's hard to believe it, but a lot of publishers, they rejected. Harry Potter Now one of the richest women in the world. Rowling Now one of the richest women in the world Rowling.
Speaker 1:Rowling, however we say her last name, excuse me reflects on her early failures and she says in this, I quote it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you fail by default. Ladies, we need to get over the bridge of the therefores. I will, never, I can't, because I am broke. The only thing broke here are your thoughts, and well, the thought that you are living at a minimum wage mindset. We wanna flip that script to a millionaire mindset which is on success and allowing for failure. You see, change your therefore from I will never to I will. How does that feel? I mean, just by removing one word never to just I will. It already feels lighter and laser focused, just like when you help your kids, let's say, when they fall off a bike.
Speaker 1:When you're first teaching them, do you tell them to put the bike away, hang it up and never try again. You ain't never going to get it. No, and if you are, I need to have a talk with you on the side. But no, you don't tell them that. What do you tell them? You tell them to get back on. In fact, you don't tell them that. What do you tell them? You tell them to get back on. In fact, you hold them, you practice, practice, practice. You've run down the street with them and you even let them fall forward by falling on you if they fall. You, mama, you need to practice redefining your therefore, even if you have to write it down and read it several times, if you have to write it down and read it several times, record yourself having the experience you want, especially after you fail.
Speaker 1:Hack number two look forward. Okay, so there is a reason why our windshield is bigger than our rear view mirror, and that is not a new concept that I'm sure you haven't heard before, but we're going to go on with this one. You see, because you know, you drive, you move, looking forward. The only thing behind you is your past, and this is where it is parked, along with all the therefores that kept you stuck in the past. So what do you have to look forward to If you want your life to look different? What does it look like? Do you even know? Can you feel what that feels like? Now, do this for me, please. Do this, okay, if you have today, say, 15 minutes today, this week, sometime, whereby you can go sit in a park with your shoes off, in the grass, or even at a beach, in the sand. I want you to do it, and I also want to make sure that you have your shades available so people can't see your eyes when you close them as you sit there. Start to picture what you want your life to look like. Forget your single situation. It doesn't exist in the space and it is not allowed to come in.
Speaker 1:What does it feel like to have a credit card paid off? Can you feel that? What does it feel like to have your student loans paid off? Can you feel that? What does it feel like to have that first $1,000 saved in your emergency fund? Now let's go a little bit more painful. What does it feel like when your car breaks down and you get a bill of $500 to fix it? Oh yeah, and you have $1,000 in your emergency fund. What does it feel like to be able to pay for that in cash? Soak that one in. Okay, let's keep going.
Speaker 1:So what does it feel like when you enroll in that class you always wanted to take? What does it feel like when you get that promotion you have always wanted? Lock into that. Look forward feeling and look forward to that. That is the feeling of success. And look, look, look, look. You felt it now and it physically hasn't even shown up in your present moment, but I promise you it will when that's all you focus on. Those are the feelings you want to feel now while your future starts to look up. As you focus on looking forward, the past is only going to try to have you go backwards.
Speaker 1:When you open your eyes Now listen, when you open your eyes, it is going to have you the enemy, the adversary, is going to come back in and he's going to try to have you stare at, oh yeah, that bankruptcy, oh, the divorce, how much that costs, or your missing child support. And here's what I want you to do First of all, I want you to tell him to go away. Second of all, I want you to take a deep breath and I want you to pray, first of all, that you are covered by the blood of Jesus. Then I want you, right now, where you are at, whether you are in the grass or you are at the beach I want you to focus. Let's say you're at the beach. Focus on your feet that are in the sand. How does it feel? Is it cool, comforting, as the sand molds to your feet right now, that feeling right there, and I want you to snap your finger and lock that feeling in. That is what you focus on when those therefores try to creep back in, you snap your finger and you remember oh yeah, I'm right there in the sand. Oh, yes, I am right there in my look forward feeling. Oh, yes, I am right there in my look forward feeling. Then, once you feel that comfort around your feet, shift your focus from what's missing to what you are missing out on. Have you had enough? Because you listen, I know I did. I was tired of all the therefore excuses. I will never.
Speaker 1:Sister, where do you want to go and grow and plant yourself there? Now we're going to go to hack number three and that's move forward. So you may think that moving forward is going to be the hardest part of this equation, but honestly, allowing yourself to fail and then keeping your head facing in the direction you want to go and grow, that is way harder than this last hack. Once you get that on lock, your body naturally moves forward with the momentum you put forth. Remember where energy goes, attention flows and so are your feet. Now this means in both directions If you keep staring at that backup camera. You are going to do just that. You are going to back up backwards If you look forward, even if that feels strange, even if the horizon is far off in the distance. Listen, and this is truth, which each excuse me with each step that you take in a forward direction gets you closer to your success. Is that not true? For real Listen, meaning that with each step that you take in the direction, towards your goal, towards your success, you are one more step away from succeeding, but rather succeeding, just like when you start working out.
Speaker 1:If you haven't done that in a while and or it's been a long time and let's say you got some baby weight, you want to get off. At first it's hard, you're tired and you don't want to go to the gym because one, you don't feel good in your clothes, because they're tight, and because the results that you want you don't see them right now. But you know what else you don't see? You don't see the success in taking one step, in going to the gym as a step not just towards success, but a step of success, towards success, but a step of success. And here's why it is a success, because you just did something new and something you didn't do yesterday. And how does that experience feel? At first it may be exhausting and painful. Your muscles hurt you haven't used those in a while Just like the new things you're doing with your kids as you create successful habits with them.
Speaker 1:Once you start seeing the results and you know this to be true if you've ever worked out before like adding another weight to the stack because you're stronger, going longer on the treadmill, because your cardio endurance has increased or going down in the size of your pants the movement has created success. You think it, you feel it, you experience it. Your world changes, your words change and you want more. That is a success. Your future will change when you change the way you look at your present moment. Okay, let's get real.
Speaker 1:Yes, you are in a single situation you don't want to be in. I didn't want to be in mine either. But listen, change it. Change the way you view it, change the way you define it, change the way you define yourself by it. Change the way you view it. Change the way you define it, change the way you define yourself by it and talk about it to others. You are a successful parent now, and what you've been doing up until this point. Apparently it wasn't working for you, but today you are changing it and here's what's great Y'all listen. When you learn these things, when it becomes part of your DNA, when it becomes part of your new muscle memory, you can now pass this on to your kids, creating a new family succession plan of succeeding and not ceding. Summer's coming and your kids are out of school, but what about you? Would you like to learn something new?
Speaker 1:Visit Shepherds Village University, a faith-based e-learning center focused on equipping and strengthening today's single mom in the overwhelming challenges of raising her family in a one-parent household and a rapidly changing culture. Check it out at sb-universityorg. So listen, ladies, I am off for the next couple of weeks, returning on June 17th. Your assignment is to spend some time soaking in your success, allowing for failure to happen. Move forward and look forward to your brighter future. Your sunglasses you're going to need them and let's talk about it when we get back. Have a wonderful couple of weeks and remember, listen, it is a single mom thing, but it is not the single thing that stops you. Thanks for listening to. It's a Single Mom Thing. I hope you enjoyed our time together. If you have more questions on how to have a relationship with Jesus or need prayer, visit us at wwwshepherdsvillagecom. Backslash prayer. For more information and resources, check out our show notes.